Everything is Wrestling (to me)

A weird combo of Bad Cop/Bad Cop, NoFX, the DeathGate Cycle, Emma Watson, and the waking stupor of fatherhood have brought me here. 

Speaking only for me, the new car smell is gone from BlueSky. I’ve  become my parents, my rivals, my enemies. The nerds at the end of Revenge of the Nerds. 

This was inevitable. 

I’ve found myself posting so much less; editing myself more. It’d be nice if I could say it’s because I have a life, if parenting and working counts as a life, but let’s be serious. I could find the time to post if I wanted to. 

I struggle. I can admit that now. 

I’ve become the know it all denizen I wanted to escape the hellsite from. I can admit that now. 

I’m afraid to post things that even with the best of intentions, and with a reputation I thought I built in my small circle would give me grace to have an actual conversation. I used to feel that was possible out in the open skies. 

Now I retreat to the relative safety of DMs. 

I recognised myself digging in instead of opening up. I’m working on that. 

I see others aren’t. And that’s not for me to judge. I’m a cis white dude. I have that luxury. I can give grace and take shit. I should, even. 

It doesn’t mean I don’t have challenges and neuroses. It doesn’t mean I haven’t felt marginalised myself before. Maybe it’s why I found a bit of self awareness. But still, I fight my privilege every day. 

Certain things are black and white. But the path to them is often filled with grey. And I’m sad that it’s rare to be able to have that open dialogue anymore. 

The lines are drawn, but they’re actually walls. There’s no accessing them if you’re not already on the other side. And there’s definitely no crossing it to meet others where they are to show them what it’s like over here. 

It’s lonely, it demands perfection, and it’s not sustainable. 

I’m messy. I like things I “know” I “shouldn’t.” It doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of an honest conversation or the benefit of the doubt. 

It also doesn’t mean that if I then prove myself an actual douchebag that I keep getting chances. 

Intentions matter. Progress and growth matter. Understanding that not everyone is where you are and being the one to go to them with grace and understanding is not a weakness.